We are living in a bubble. Stress levels are rising inside homes. The queen of the house is tired of preparing three meals every day. If she is working, well, the challenge is compounded. More members in the house means personal space is being compromised. Office hours are extended to 16 from the usual 8 or 10. Online classes have disrupted peace. There is competition for devices and bandwidth is getting squeezed. And, children are growing up, without we realising it!

This piece is not about how to burst stress in COVID times, but is about our interactions with our children in normal and extraordinary times. What can we as parents do to further the development of children into mature adults? Ok, that is a very broad theme. I want to focus on one thing in this piece and that is about how appropriate conversations with our children help them to become better.

Let us look at a few typical conversations in our homes:

Conversation 1

Dhruv : “Mom, I am going to cycle with Anish”

Mom: “Dhruv, be careful while cycling. Cars may be coming”

Dhruv nods his head and leaves.

Conversation 2

Sonam : “Mom, I am going to the beach with my friends today”

Mom: “Sonam, be careful. Do not go near the water. And, come back home by 8 pm”

Sonam : “Mom, I know. This is not the first time I am going to the beach”, and walks off in a gruff.

Conversation 3

Deepti : “Dad, I do not understand what the teacher is teaching me. I hate Maths”.

Dad : “Deepti, everything in life is not easy. You need to work hard. Do more practice. When I was your age we only did two things either study or play. Stop spending time on chats. Concentrate….”

Deepti : “Started! Stop giving me lecture all the time.”

Dhruv is six years old and Sonam and Deepti are 16 and 14 respectively. My wife and I have had similar conversations with our daughters and we continue to have even now. In the above examples, Dhruv accepts the advice and goes off to play, whereas Sonam and Deepti both get offended by the response. What is the difference?

As parents, we are used to answering questions from our children from the word go. When children are young, she is always curious and ask a lot of questions. So as parents, what we do is our natural response. We would seek and tell answers to all their questions. We take great pleasure in satiating their curiosity. We need to continuously demonstrate that we know and that is how we hope to earn respect. Or in other words, we are used to telling our children what is what, what to do, what not to do and so on.

You will find a gradual change as children approach their teens. They are beginning to share their problems and challenges. But our seek and tell answers are making them defensive. As this sequence progresses we find that the child becomes more withdrawn and we wonder what is wrong?

Many of us are unable to let go of our default behaviour. We seldom realise that the audience has changed and continues to evolve as a human being. Our tried and tested method is no longer working! Where are we going wrong?

Permit me a small detour into human psychology. When, I was in my first job, my mentor introduced the concept of Transactional Analysis and strongly recommended that I read a book called I am OK, You are OK by Thomas Harris. (I did but it never made sense to me at that time). Dr Harris, conceptualised three ego states – Child, Adult and Parent. [Note: To be very precise the father of Transaction Analysis is Dr Eric Berne, see his excellent book “Games People Play”]

The Child state centres around our memories as a child, when we always needed support and help to cope. We were completely dependent on others to survive. [If you read Steven Covey’s Seven Habits, this would be a dependent state]

The Parent state is more about command and control. We direct, we are in charge, we know what needs to be done. [An independent state]

The Adult state is the most mature, with a full knowledge that we are equals and we need to treat others in the same way as we would like to be treated. [An interdependent state]

Many interactions are Child to Adult [Eg: We showing respect to our parents or grandparents or when we visit a Lawyer or a Doctor] and Adult to Child [A typical teacher in a school, a boss in the office, parent at home]. An example of an Adult to Adult conversation would be two team mates discussing how to move a project forward or the husband and wife discussing their relocation plans. Not all Adult to Child and Child to Adult interactions are optimal. Dr Harris classifies interaction outcomes in the form of a grid as shown, which shows your feelings vs the other persons feelings at the end of the interaction. The most optimal is the I am OK, You are OK state.

Back to our conversations. The parents adopt a Parent to Child posture in all three situations. While Dhruv was OK with the Parent to Child interaction, Sonam and Deepti would have been more comfortable with an Adult to Adult conversation.

So how do we, as parents, make the switch from an Adult – Child mode to an Adult – Adult mode? There are three things to consider. The first is the timing. The second is the conversation method. And third is the optimal use of the conversation method. I provide below some ideas around each of these, largely based on our experience.

1] Timing :

This is very child specific. Some children transform into adults sooner than later. In our experience, the transition (Remember it is not a switch and as in any transition there would be an in between stage as well) can happen anywhere between the age of eight and fourteen. As parents we need to be continuously aware of this transformation and change the conversation method when we sense that the child is more an adult than a child.

2] Asking rather than Telling :

The switch in behaviour of the parent has to be from TELLING to ASKING. I like the dictionary definition of Asking – “to put a question about”.

Questions to the child has several benefits:

a] It allows them to open up : For example in the case of Deepti, Maths may not be her problem. It could just be that her best friend is able to score more than her.

b] It indicates to them that you are listening : In our busy world, children need to know that you can set aside time for them. By asking questions we are signalling that we are curious and are listening.

c] Develops awareness in the child : By asking questions, we are encouraging the child to think deeply and develop their own postulates and answers to their concerns. After all, spoon feeding has to stop at some point in time.

d] Makes them more responsible for their actions : If a large percentage of the decision is through self analysis, then clearly there is more ownership of the decision. Yes, you will need to always draw a boundary with respect to certain don’ts, but these situations are limited.

To illustrate, let us go back to conversation 2 & 3 and see what a better outcome, following the above principle of Asking rather than Telling, would look like.

Conversation 2A

Sonam : “Mom, I am going to the beach with my friends today”

Mom : “Great weather and good day to go. What is the plan?”

Sonam : “Monisha, Gagan, Seeta and I are going. We are meeting a couple of friends from the School there.”

Mom : “That is nice. Are you planning to have dinner outside? Do let Dad know, he is cooking today!”

Sonam : “No, I will be back at 8 pm for dinner. Will let Dad know”

Dad : “Take care and be safe from water. Call if you need a pick up when you are ready to come back”

Sonam : “Thank you, Mom. I will be careful”

Dad: ” Sure, whenever you are ready.”

3] Optimal use

The Adult to Adult conversation will not be useful in all situations. For example if your child is using the oven and something is burning, you will shout ” Deepti, turn off the oven immediately”. So in places where immediate action is warranted, do use the command that you have as an adult and that is appropriate. However, majority of the situations are not emergencies. A conversation style of asking than telling will help immensely.

I want to leave you with a portion of the lyrics from Buddy Guy’s song SKIN DEEP. (Note : The context of the song may be different, but I find that it can be equally applied in our conversations with our children especially during and beyond the teens)

"I've been around a while
I know wrong from right
And since a long time ago
Things have always been black and white
Just like you can't judge a book by the cover
We all gotta be careful
How we treat one another

A Man in Louisiana
He never called me by my name
He said "boy do this boy do that"
But I never once complained
I knew he had a good heart
But, he just don't understand
That I needed to be treated
Just like any other man

I sat my little child down
When he was old enough to know
I said I fell in this big wide world
You're gonna be all kinda froze
I said son it all comes down to just one simple rule
That you treat everybody just the way
You want them to treat you 

Yeah.....

Skin Deep Skin Deep
Underneath we are all the same"

Asking and not Telling brings power and depth to relationships. It is not easy, but is worth a try. In the words of the French playwright, Eugene Lonesco, “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question”. Wishing you the very best and happy conversations!

Notes :

1] I am Ok, You are OK : Dr Thomas A Harris

2] If you love Calvin, then this excellent presentation by Wonita Woolhouse uses Calvin and Hobbes to illustrate the outcome of interactions based on the three ego states. Cartoon credit to this presentation.